NaSoWriMo 2014

Apparently song writing is going to be the theme on here for a while longer. TWO DAYS...just two days until National Song Writing Month starts. Yes, I am excited. I'm hoping this year goes better than last. Last year, I came out with several good songs, but most of my songs were about cats and loading the dishwasher :D And I honestly wasn't true to the challenge because altogether, good songs and bad, I probably only wrote about twenty. This year I am going all in though. 31 days, 31 songs, 31 moments pouring my heart out on the page. There will definitely be sleepless nights of writing, tear-filled days of exposing my soul. My fingers will grow even more calloused then they already are, and yes, I will constantly have a shred of paper in my pocket to write things down when inspiration strikes.

Why do I do this, you ask? I wrote my first song probably when I was 7 years old. I don't really remember it, but I'm sure it was terrible. I've been writing music for as long as I can remember. I look back through all my past journals, only to discover countless songs that I've written over the years. Most are terrible, but all are me pouring my heart out on the page. In some of my darkest moments when I didn't know who to talk to or where to turn, I've turned to a pen and the page. The other day I came across some songs I wrote when I was ten, right after me and my family lost everything in Hurricane Katrina. That was definitely one of the darkest moments of my life, and looking back on what I wrote I see the desperation, but I also see the hope. And that's why I write music.

I write to expose who I am, what I've done, the pain and the sorrow, but also the hope I have in Christ. I have written some pretty downer songs in my day, and like in my last blog post, I've had some pretty angry moments in my life. But life is never going to be butterflies and rainbows, and life goes on after the pain. The music I've written over the years shows that. Looking back through my journals, I see the seasons where everything was great and I was happy, but I also see the moments where it didn't seem like I wanted to go on anymore. Yeah, sure, my experiences are my own, but those feelings I have felt are normal human emotions.

And that's why I write. Because I want people to know that it gets better, and I want them to know that after the pain life goes on. I want them to see that I'm a normal person like them, a person who struggles, and I want them to see that after all the brokenness and all the seeking for something to satisfy, I have been left empty and even more broken. I write to show to remember where I've come from and where I'm going. I write because after everything I've been through I still have hope.

There have been moments in my life when a song was the only reason why I still had hope. I didn't hope in God; there were moments when I hated God. But a song, a song was all I needed. And that song gave me hope, and not only did it give me hope, but it eventually pointed me back towards God. Music has power.

I want music to be my weapon. I want my music to give hope. Writing has given me hope; it has given me healing. Throughout everything that's happened these past two months, I've constantly been writing. It's really only word vomit, practically worthless, but they are my thoughts and emotions on a page. And one day I will look back on this moment and where I've been and I will realize that this is a moment I needed to live because these are the moments that have made me who I am.

So here's to writing! I am broken and tired, and I have so many thoughts that I just need to throw on a page. And I know I'm not the only one. I hope that whoever reads this realizes that they have a voice, that you have a unique story that you need to share, that you have human emotions that ought to be expressed, and that your song could help someone...someone like me. Don't undervalue your potential to create music that could just be what someone else needs to hear. Regardless of whether or not you've ever written a song, try to write at least one this month!

And just remember, Music has power; it has power like nothing else. For a while it was the only thing on this planet I cared about, the only thing worth living for.  And I know that I'm not the only one who has felt that way.

Just remember, if I can do this, anyone can.

Closed Doors

I wanted to share another song that I wrote. This is one I wrote a couple years ago during a really hard time in my life. It was hard for me to see what I was supposed to be doing, the direction I needed to be headed in, what God wanted me to do with my life. I was at the point in my life where I just wanted to throw in the towel. God had told me no once more and I was tired of it. No matter how hard I tried, nothing I did was ever good enough, nothing I did amounted to anything. You see, success has always been my idol, failure my greatest fear. And so when God closed a really big door for me, I felt my world crumble.

On top of all of this, God had been shutting major doors for my family too. This song is dedicated to them. It shows the heart break of not understanding why God does the things he does. my family (minus me) was supposed to move overseas to do missions; they were beyond ecstatic. In a crazy turn of events, and after a year of planning though, God closed the door. My family was devastated; my Dad had no idea what He was supposed to do anymore. They were lost, hopeless, and trying to seek direction from the Lord. I was too, but the Lord had fallen silent. Even when I screamed, I felt so far from Him.

When writing this song I had problems finishing it; I just felt as if it were unfinished. My friend Hannah is one of greatest inspirations and helpers in song writing. I asked for her advice. I told her that my song felt unfinished and unresolved. And so she asked me "Do you want a song that has resolution and a happy ending, or do you want a song that expresses how you feel?". And so with that question, I was able to finish my song.

This song has no resolution, no happy ending, no butterflies and rainbows. This is a song of me crying out to God, so angry that my hands bled from pounding them down on the piano keys. I don't know why God closes doors. I don't know why God chooses to do the things He does. But I know that since I wrote this song, my response to God's closed doors has changed. Yeah, sure I still get angry when God says no, and I still look at my empty hands, but I don't stay angry like I used to. I no longer get bitter. And I think that's the key. It's okay to be angry at God, and it's okay to cry out to him and to question why he does the things he does. My roommate is the wisest person I know, and she has taught me that it's okay to be angry; what's not okay is to stay angry. So without further ado, here's the song from a time when I was really angry at God...


They say when God closes a door
He opens a window.
If that's the case,
My house is getting drafty,
Kinda drafty.

My plans and motivation to succeed,
That is what defines me.
But the door's been slammed in my face again,
Yes again.

So I'll focus on all the closed doors,
Forget all the open windows,
Ignore the draft blowing by my face

I'm disappointed and confused,
frustrated, I don't want to lose,
Discontent with the plans you've made for me.

I don't want to understand,
So I'll continue
To look at my empty hands
And all the closed doors.

My future life was right in front of me.
What I wanted was within my grasp.
I shut of everything else out
To press on towards my desires.

I was determined.
I had it all together,
But once again you slammed the door
And I crumbled to the ground

So I'll focus on all the closed doors,
Forget all the open windows,
Ignore the draft blowing by my face

I'm disappointed and confused,
frustrated, I don't want to lose,
Discontent with the plans you've made for me.

I don't want to understand,
So I'll continue
To look at my empty hands
And all the closed doors.

I don't understand why you shut me down.
I don't understand why my plans can't work out.
I tried my very best to follow you every way,
But it's not okay.
I'm not okay.

So I'll focus on all the closed doors,
Forget all the open windows,
Ignore the draft blowing by my face

I'm disappointed and confused,
frustrated, I don't want to lose,
Discontent with the plans you've made for me.

I don't want to understand,
So I'll continue
To look at my empty hands
And all the closed doors.

I'll focus on all the closed doors.
The closed doors.


This song has fresh meaning to me again. God's been closing a lot of doors in my life recently, and once again I've been focussing on all the pain instead of all his goodness. I'm angry at God, only this time I won't stay angry at him. I know he's got a plan. I know everything will work out for the best. At least that's my head talking anyway; my heart is still utterly broken. But this is me admitting that I'm not okay. God closed a door on February 16 that I desperately tried to keep open. I pushed and prodded, but that door is supposed to be closed. So for now, I need to learn to stop focussing on the closed doors, I need remember all the open windows. And maybe God will open that door again, or maybe he won't. Either way, it's for the best. Either way, God will open another door. It just hurts though.

I'm not going to lie, I'm focussing on that closed door, and for now, that's okay. But at some point I'm going to have to give up and realize that the door is never going to open again. I guess the hardest part is getting your head and your heart to agree. Well, I guess I'll just take it one day at a time.