Quiet Desperation

So for those who are unawares, I write music. It's one of my "hobbies" I guess you could say, and it's my choice outlet to express myself and/or vent about the woes of life...WOAH. Recently, I wrote a song entitled "Quiet Desperation". The inspiration for it came to me whilst reading Thoreau for fun. (I know, who reads Thoreau for fun?!? :D) Thoreau is known for saying the phrase "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." When I came across this phrase I stopped. How many of us lead lives where every day we put on a smile and every night we cry until we're red in the face? How many of us live hoping that the pain would stop? How many of us quietly are hurting? I was and am one of those people. I thought I could take the world by myself. I thought I could handle my own problems and that I didn't need anyone, not even God.

I'm a control freak, I'm a loner. I didn't think I needed anyone. So what happened when I lost control? What happened when my problems started coming to the surface? I crumbled. I haven't been alright for a long time. I've been barely keeping my head above the water. My own issues that I've left unfaced have hurt the people I love most, and they are destroying me. But what have I always done? Keep quiet, Hannah. Don't let them see you're human too. Don't let people help you; they can't help you. What lies! My pride and fear piled on top of my buried issues and made for one heck of a mess. I ruined the greatest relationship I've ever had in my life because I wasn't willing to say that I'm not alright.

Living in denial is a destructive thing. admitting that you have a problem is the first step to changing. Retrospectively, I see that. Looking back on the last year, and maybe even in fact my entire walk with Christ thus far, I've been content with just being better than I was yesterday. Yesterday I lied twice. Today I only lied once. Okay, I'm good; I'm getting better. What kind of attitude is that? Why I am content with just being better? Why am I settling for the sub par? Whatever happened to trying to be holy as God is holy?!?

Holiness is something that we are to strive for as Christians. But is it something I've been striving for? Not at all. being holy means striving to be the best I can be. Sadly, I admit that I have never been concerned with being the best I can be. I've been living in denial of my problems. I've been content with my sub par walk with Christ. I was leading my life, quietly hurting so badly, but not anymore.

"Quiet Desperation" was inspired by my own desperation. Here are the lyrics:


Leading lives of Quiet Desperation,
Screaming at the top of our lungs,
But not a word leaks our lips.
We're suppressed by the masks we wear

We are living lies.
We say we are fine.
But inside we are screaming.
And our hearts are bleeding.

We are living lies.
We say we are fine.
But inside we are screaming.
And our hearts are bleeding.

We are broken.
We are Bent.
We're ashamed.
We are spent.
We are searching to be saved,
But we can't cry out
'Cause we're enslaved.

The mass of men are broken
But the Quiet keeps them trapped behind thick walls
And in the dark, behind those walls,
We cannot break free or let anyone in.

We are living lies.
We say we are fine.
But inside we are screaming.
And our hearts are bleeding.

We are living lies.
We say we are fine.
But inside we are screaming.
And our hearts are bleeding.

We are broken.
We are Bent.
We're ashamed.
We are spent.
We are searching to be saved,
But we can't cry out
'Cause we're enslaved.

In the Quiet, we felt safe,
Like no one could hurt us,
But then the Quiet became a monster.
We can't escape, we can't escape.
And now we just carry on like nothing's wrong,
Like life goes on, but
The Quiet is killing us.
We try to run, to overcome, but
The Quiet creeps in...

We are living lies.
We say we are fine.
But inside we are screaming.
And our hearts are bleeding.

We are living lies.
We say we are fine.
But inside we are screaming.
And our hearts are bleeding.

We are broken.
We are Bent.
We're ashamed.
We are spent.
We are searching to be saved,
But we can't cry out
'Cause we're enslaved.

Quiet.
Oh, the Quiet
Desperation.
Desperation.
Oh.

Quiet.
Oh, the Quiet.
Desperation.
Desperation.



I have been searching to be saved. I thought I could save myself. I failed. I tried to pour myself into people and things in order to save myself, only to ruin those things and kill those relationships. I enslaved myself in the quiet and I could not escape. But not anymore. I am going to turn to the only one who can save me: Christ. Like I have already written, this blog begins with me broken and lost. And this is me admitting to it.

This is my journey. This is me turning back towards Christ. And this is me, living everyday with the goal of being not only better, but the absolute best I can be. Never will I live in Quiet desperation because I have found the One who can and will save me.